Akatsuki: Goes Camping!
by waterfall tears
Summary: The akatsuki are sent to the real world and accidentally forced to be camp counselors! How will they survive having to deal with screaming kids, unruly teens, and amorous guides? Read to find out!
1. For the Love of Pancakes

Akatsuki: Goes camping!

(A/N: Hello, again! This is yet another random akatsuki fic. Yayness! Anyways, in this one they get sent to the real world and find out what camping is. And all hell breaks loose. I'm gonna have fun writing this one.)

Pairings: There might be. I don't know yet. It's more of a humor/crackfic.

Summary: The akatsuki are sent to the real world and accidentally forced to be camp counselors! How will they survive having to deal with screaming kids, unruly teens, and amorous guides? Read to find out!

Notethingie: Obviously AU, big time. Do not be alarmed if akatsuki are forced to wear regular clothes. Also, Tobi's shorter than Deidara.

The sizzle of pancakes in the morning was always a surefire way to get Kisame up in the morning. It was almost always guaranteed that he would wake up Itachi soon after. And it was also guaranteed that mayhem would follow. Hidan set the table and piled three pancakes on each of the nine plates. Kakuzu hated breakfast; it was his least favorite meal of the day. He always had to pay for the broken plates. He liked dinner better, because he could be as cheap as he wanted. He poked dejectedly at the pancakes with his fork, eyebrow raising in obvious disapproval. Hidan saw him and smacked him over the head with his spatula.

"Ow!" he yelped, holding his head. "What was that for?"

"Eat what I cook. You should be grateful, you heathen."

He walked away and poured orange juice into everyone's cups, then seated himself and began to eat. A messy-haired Tobi and annoyed Deidara made their way into the kitchen. As Deidara stared at the brown masses that was to be his breakfast, Tobi skipped over to a cabinet, grabbed the ketchup, skipped back to his seat, and began pouring it all over his pancakes. The others just stared in horror.

"How DARE you ruin perfectly good pancakes with that…filth!" Hidan screamed, pointing his fork vengefully at the youngest akatsuki member.

Tobi just smiled benignly, holding out his fork towards Hidan. "You want some?"

Deidara and Kisame had to hold back the pissed off religious man as he tried to lunge at Tobi. While this was happening, Itachi stared indifferently into his pancakes like he was looking for hidden secrets. Zetsu came in, head hanging gloomily. He didn't speak a word as he silently picked up his fork and started slowly eating. The others stared at him, wondering what could be wrong with him. They knew he wasn't a morning person, but why was he so depressed?

"Tobi wants to know why Zetsu-san looks so sad!" Tobi said, looking up from shoveling forkfuls of ketchup-covered pancakes underneath his mask.

Zetsu lunged at Tobi, which caused Deidara and Kisame to have to let go of Hidan, and hold down Zetsu; Hidan was free. Before he could move, Itachi, who wasn't exactly a person who you'd expect to give a damn about Tobi, knocked him unconscious with his plate; the first broken plate of the morning. In effect, he got rid of his pancakes without having to hear Hidan ranting. Kakuzu cried; he estimated that plate to be about $5. He could've gotten the dishes cheaper, but the leader refused to get paper plates.

Finally, Konan and Pein came down to breakfast, because they had heard the crash and loud sobbing. They both stared at the scene: Hidan was unconscious on the floor with blood trickling down his forehead, broken plate next to him, Tobi was happily eating his pancakes drowned in ketchup, Deidara and Kisame were holding back Zetsu from obviously trying to kill Tobi for some reason, Kakuzu was crying, and Itachi was just sitting there quietly, the barest hint of what resembled a smile, though you couldn't tell with him. They decided not to ask any questions and sat down to eat when Tobi said, "Pancake disappear jutsu!!"

He jumped up onto the table and sent everyone's plate crashing to the floor but his own. "TADAAAAAAA!!!" he exclaimed, arms in the air in triumph, eyes upside down half moons through his mask. Kakuzu turned into a paper-thin chibi, completely black and white and floating in the corner with Konan streaks going down his face. Everyone stared in absolute shock and dismay. Hidan shot up and screamed, "You BASTARD!!! How dare you ruin all my beautiful pancakes! I will kill you in the name of Jashin-sama!!!"

He whipped a kunai at him, but Tobi flopped down and it hit Kisame in the side of the head. He twitched. Pulling out the kunai, he threw it back at Hidan, but he ducked and somehow it made a U-turn and whipped poor Konan in the head. She twitched and ripped it out and whipped it back at Hidan. He ducked once more and it finally hit its original target, but all it did was cut off a little bit of his hair. Tobi sniffled.

"Y-you…you ruined Tobi's hair!!!" he cried, lunging at Zetsu, even though Hidan was the one who'd thrown the kunai in the first place.

It was suddenly a dust cloud fight, and Kisame and Deidara jumped out to save themselves. Turning chibi, all of a sudden Itachi yelled, "FAN WAAAR!!!"

Out of nowhere, everyone brought out a large harisen1 and began smacking each other around with them.

…2 hours later…Akatsuki living room…

The akatsuki gang sat in the living room in chairs, on the floor, on the couch watching MTV as if nothing had ever transpired in the kitchen.

"I wanna watch Pokemon!" Tobi whined, squirming in his seat.

"Nah. The show's been going downhill ever since they tried to replace Brock," Pein said.

(A/N: Line borrowed from an animation on deviantart. It's called Deidara's of our lives. It's funny. Go watch it. Now. 1 Harisen-Japanese paper fan, for those who didn't know.)

There was a fight for the remote, and somehow they clicked on Baywatch. Everyone (except Tobi) watched as Pamela Anderson ran in slow motion down the beach.

"Thank Jashin-sama for cable TV," Hidan whispered, in awe.

"What?" Tobi asked in confusion, clearly puzzled as to why the others were staring at the TV so intently.

And yes, even Konan was staring, measuring herself through her robe. "Those are probably fake. She has enough money to get hers done. Stupid blonde bitch."

"Let's go to the real world television station!" Kisame exclaimed randomly, grabbing the remote.

There was a session on how camp changes the behavior of kids for the better. Everyone gagged. "Eww! Change it quick!!!"

When Kisame got the remote stolen from him, someone pressed an extra button and they were all sucked into the TV.

…Akatsuki…goes camping!….

"Owww," they all groaned.

Tobi jumped up immediately, screaming, "Yaaaay! That was fun! Let's do it again!"

Everyone glared towards him, threateningly holding up kunai. He eeped, sweatdropping. "What did I do?"

They all stopped when they heard the laughter of children beyond the wooded area they'd landed in. Zetsu bravely walked forward and peered through the trees. His eyes turned into little white circles with black rings around them in a look of pure shock and horror.

"What in the name of salad…?" he whispered, sweatdrop forming on his forehead.

Pein, with an annoyed look said, "Let me see," and shoved Zetsu out of the way. His look turned to horror as well.

"Kids, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."

Everyone shuffled forward to see what they were staring at and in turn, gasps of horror broke out among them. They were in…real world camp. Oh the noes!

One by one, the akatsuki stepped forward boldly past the shrubbery and into uncharted territory. They all shrieked as they were attacked by miniature warriors with face paint on them.

"What is it!?" Itachi screamed in fear, pointing at one little kid chewing on the end of his cloak. Poor Itachi-kun. His eyesight just wasn't what it used to be.

"It's Tobi's long lost cousins," Deidara replied sardonically.

"Really?" Tobi squealed, swiveling his head around to look at all of his estranged "relatives".

"Stick a sock in it, Tobi! Swirley beech." (line blatantly borrowed from Tobi+Deidara animation on youtube)

Zetsu suddenly screamed as two little kids climbed him and ordered him to take them to candy mountain, dubbing him "Charlie". (I know, I don't know, either.) A weird looking dude in a whole dorky-looking khaki outfit, like explorers on national geographic wear, came up to all of them and asked, "Oh, so you're the new camp counselors Mr. Lindman was talking about?" 

"Uh…sure?" Pein answered uncertainly.

The pale, balding man clapped his pudgy hands together in glee. "Splendid! Let's just get you out of those _fantastic_ cloaks and dress you all in something more suitable."

All except for Tobi raised an eyebrow questioningly at him; he was too busy playing with his long lost family members. While he hummed in the background, the man that looked like he hadn't seen the sun in years, ushered them into five separate rooms. Tobi was dragged into a room with Deidara, Sasori was with Zetsu, Pein was with Konan, Kakuzu with Hidan, and Kisame with Itachi.

As soon as Tobi was in the room, he started to wreck it. Juuust great.

"Tobi! You calm your ass down before I have to kick it!"

As he chased the hyperactive chibi around, he noticed a young girl in the corner, chuckling and snorting, trying to stifle her laughter and failing miserably. He stopped chasing Tobi for a moment to stare at her and got tackled.

"Yay! I win, Deidara-senpai! Now you have to give me a piggyback ride! Giddyup, horsie!"

Deidara was too busy staring in a daze at the beautiful brunette. She smiled shyly at him with big, beautiful green eyes, gnawing on her bottom lip that was carnation pink. She had tan skin, and her short hair was in a ponytail. She was wearing a dorky outfit as well, but it looked great on her. Deidara stuttered as he introduced himself.

"I-I'm Deidara, and this idiot here is my partner, Tobi."

She smiled politely and bent down to shake Tobi's hand. "Why, hello there, Tobi. I'm Himawouri Rika."

"Himawouri isn't your first name, is it?" Deidara asked fearfully.

She laughed, a pleasant, tinkling sound. "Of course not! I say my name the traditional way. You're…not from around here, are you?"

He shook his head. Tobi tugged on the hem of her shorts. "Rika-san, you're pretty."

Her cheeks turned a little pink, covering her mouth with her long, elegant hands. "Why, thank you, Tobi. Your senpai is pretty, too."

She winked at him, and he turned away, pretending that the questionable stain on the roof was of utmost importance. Tobi grinned and ran off. Deidara didn't know what was wrong with him. He'd never acted stupid over anyone. She fluttered her lashes flirtatiously at him, and sauntered out of the room, leaving poor Dei-dei confused and in love.

(A/N: Fangirls, there is no reason to kill me. If I'm a rabid fan and I can pair him with an OC, you should be fine. And she is NOT a Marysue.)

"Bleh," Zetsu coughed, trying to wiggle away from the little kids that had stuck him in a giant flower pot.

The little imps had jumped him and ran away with him while Kakuzu and Hidan just stood there laughing. Well, they weren't laughing after more little kids came and stole Hidan's scythe and started pulling on Kakuzu's threads. Now they were just as annoyed as him.

"Bwahahahahaha!" a little voice cackled. A brown haired little boy that mysteriously resembled Itachi (even with the bags under the eyes) leaped out from where he was hiding, covered in blue and yellow paint, holding a _very_ real looking spear.

The balding pudgy counselor known only as "Smitty" had a freaked out look on his face.

"Kentaro Itazura! Put down that spear! Where did you get it?"

"From your mom!" he cackled, lunging at him and knocking him over, poking him in the ribs for good measure.

Kakuzu had to hand it to the little urchin; he was gutsy. Hidan smiled proudly at him. Itachi walked in on the scene and was freaked out as well.

"This is too Lord of the Flies for me. Sorry William Golding."

And he walked away. Tobi, from some random direction, ran screaming in the middle of the chaos shouting, "I'm running! I'm ruuuuuniiiiiiiing!!!"

They all stared, even the little kids, as Tobi defied the laws of gravity and ran around them in a circle in the air and back to the ground about five times before he zoomed off into the forest.

"That…was the scariest thing, I have ever saw."

Hidan nodded in agreement. Deidara came out of his "dorm" with a happy glow on his face, blue eyes all sparkly like a bishie's does, hearts floating around his face. Hidan's face fell.

"Correction. THAT is the scariest thing I have ever saw."

(A/N: Sorry, dudes/dudettes. Gotta end it there. I have to recuperate my funny ideas and put them in a non-logical order. I know, I know. I said I'd update this Tuesday, but the library I go to sucks, and there were like, 7 people in front of me on the waiting list to use the computers. Be happy I stayed up late last night to finish this, even though I have PSAT today.)


	2. Author's Note

A/N: Hey guys. I'm reaaally sorry. It's not that I'm lazy, it's just I didn't have time last Friday to update this fic, but tomorrow I will definitely update it. And if I don't, you all have permission to rant.


	3. Dude Looks Like A Lady

Akatsuki: Goes camping!

(A/N: Hello, again! This is yet another random akatsuki fic. Yayness! Anyways, in this one they get sent to the real world and find out what camping is. And all hell breaks loose. I'm gonna have fun writing this one.)

Pairing(s): DeidaraxRika, DeidaraxOC (onesided) These probably will be the only pairings, but you never know.

Summary: The akatsuki are sent to the real world and accidentally forced to be camp counselors! How will they survive having to deal with screaming kids, unruly teens, and amorous guides? Read to find out!

Notethingie: Obviously AU, big time. Do not be alarmed if akatsuki are forced to wear regular clothes. Also, Tobi's shorter than Deidara.

Note #2: You all can rant at me all you like. I said Friday, and it is now waaaay later than that. Really sorry. Honestly, I forgot. Anyways, there's no excuse for this. So, I hope you'll accept this very funny chapter 2 as an apology. I'll also answer people's questions in the A/N's in the beginning, and special requests to be an OC in the story. You can pair with anyone (except Tobi and Deidara)

Completely derailing from what originally happened last chapter, I proudly present chapter 2…

"I cannot believe I am actually being forced to do this," Deidara growled, voice slightly muffled from the pins he was holding in his mouth.

"Oh, shut up. Think how I feel. I'm being paraded in front of a bunch of 5-10 year olds. My beauty is being wasted on all of you."

"At least the role fits you. I swear I will kill Pein one day."

"We've all said that," Konan remarked, sticking the last few combs and pins in his hair. "There, we're all done. Let's go."

She assisted him as he stood up, nearly falling flat on his face. It had now been a few weeks, and they were stuck at the camp until they could find a way back home. Konan and Deidara had been chosen specifically to put on a play as…geisha. Deidara had blown a fuse when he found out and had almost succeeded in strangling the camp counselor until the other Akatsuki restrained him.

Konan was wearing a blue kimono with a white obi and white cherry blossoms in her hair; her face painted white, lipstick and light blue eye shadow. Deidara was wearing a red kimono with lilacs pinned on it and in his hair; his eyelids were painted pink, also wearing lipstick. He refused the white paint.

As they shuffled on stage with their blue and red umbrellas, Deidara looked out at the audience. The little kids were fidgeting, the preteens looked bored, the other Akatsuki were snickering (except for Tobi who was cheering him on) and there was a certain brown-haired counselor that was eyeing him; sadly, it wasn't Rika. It was a guy, and it was starting to freak him out.

"Break a leg!" Hidan and Kakuzu shouted as the music started.

Deidara almost wished he would. As soon as he took a step, he slipped slightly and was sent hurtling towards the audience. The children scattered, the teens laughed, and the Akatsuki were bowled over, cracking up. That left the one person he _didn't_ want to be near to catch him. Somewhere, the gods were laughing at him as he fainted in the counselor's arms.

(A/N: Sorry, peoples. No yaoi. Not even shounen-ai. I just thought it would be funny for a counselor to mistake him for a girl.)

When turquoise eyes blinked open, a mouth opened in horror and an appalled scream came out. Jeffrey jerked back a little. "What's wrong, my lovely?"

"Let go of me! I'm not a woman!" the blonde growled, struggling to no avail to dislodge the man's arms from around his waist.

"You took quite a nasty fall there. Your friends put me in charge of you. You're not going anywhere for a while."

"Wanna bet?" he challenged, reaching for some clay only to remember Pein had confiscated their weapons so they wouldn't be sued for killing anyone, intentionally or accidental. "Damn you," he whispered, clenching his fists.

When "Jeffrey" cupped his chin, he snapped. PUNCH! Poor Jeff was knocked out on the ground. Angrily, Deidara kicked off the high sandals and stomped out of the counselor's cabin and back to his own, where his partner sat waiting for him.

"Deidara-senpai! You're okay!"

"Of course I am!" he exclaimed as he ripped off the offending kimono, putting his Akatsuki cloak back on.

"I'm so outta here!" He began packing up his clothes and muttering irately to himself.

Tobi looked over at his senpai curiously. "But we can't leave yet, senpai. Pein-sama said if we leave he'll kick us out of Akatsuki."

That didn't faze him. "Good! I never wanted to be here in the first place! That teme Itachi's the reason I'm here!"

(A/N: If you don't know what teme means, look it up or ask a Naruto fan. They should know.)

Tobi's eyes filled with tears (the one you could see), sniffling. "B-but…senpaaaai!!"

"Don't you _dare_ start crying!"

Tobi continued sniffling until the blonde bomb freak's expression softened. "Oh, Tobi…gomen, gomen. Stop crying already!"

He began unpacking his clothes abruptly, miffed. Tobi turned chibi and clung to his neck. "YAAAAAAAY!!! Deidara-senpai isn't leaving Tobi!!"

His blue eyes twitched. If he wasn't in the Akatsuki, he'd be able to kill Tobi. Life was SO unfair. It was upon this scene that Zetsu walked in on.

"Uhh…am I _interrupting_ something?"

He may not have had his clay, but he still had a death glare that rivaled Itachi's. He scowled in Zetsu's direction. Zetsu eeped and backed out in a hurry.

Tobi ran after Zetsu, screaming, "Eh! Zetsu-san! Chotto matte!" (yes, I blatantly stole the line from the anime)

Deidara shook his head. He heard footsteps and looked up at Rika.

"Rika-san," he said, surprised. She had an adorable blush on her face.

"Uhh…Deidara. Your friends and some other counselors were wondering…would you like to play Spin the Bottle?"

Now, if his "friends" had made this suggestion, he would have went psycho on them. But because it was Rika, he nodded enthusiastically.

"Yes. I'd love to."

"Great!" she exclaimed, giggling and exiting his cabin.

"Yatta—!" he shouted, jumping up in the air and pumping his fist. Maybe he'd get to kiss Rika-san!

Pein came in then. "Hey, don't get all excited, bud. I've got my eyes on her, and the rules are you have to kiss whoever the bottle lands on, personal preference or not."

Deidara turned shocked eyes to his leader. That would mean he would possibly have to kiss…

"OH, HELL NO!"

(A/N: Sorry I ended it there. I wanted to give readers a chance to get in on the game of Spin-the-Bottle. Anyone can join. Just tell me your favorite Akatsuki, and I'll make sure you get kissed by them. I'm also adding 7 minutes in heaven. That should make things more interested. The idea came from the Akastuki Spin the Bottle and Akatsuki 7 minutes in heaven quizzes me and MasterTechnus took on quizilla. The results are always shocking and funny, some disturbing. Again, gomen. I didn't mean for it to take this long for the second installment. You also decide the rating of your 7 minutes in Heaven game and Spin the Bottle kiss. Ja ne!)


	4. The Missing Cloaks

Akatsuki: Goes Camping!

(A/N: I've been a lazy bum. But if you killed me then I wouldn't be able to post any more chapters. Anyway, this is just a random chapter for you guys to review so you can tell me which akatsuki you want and the rating you want for your Spin-the-Bottle and 7 minutes in Heaven. If two people choose the same person, either one of them gets the kiss or the 7 min. in heaven, or they get stuck with the unclaimed Akatsuki. Enjoy!)

Pairings: To be determined from the results of the games.

Notethingie: The plot I originally had for this fic is slowly morphing into something different entirely.

Again completely derailing from what happened in previous chapters…

The Missing Cloaks

"Itachi, where's my cloak?" Kisame asked, ducking under the bed to check.

"How should I know? Don't you sleep in it?" He gave him a blank look.

"Why would I sleep in it?"

Itachi shrugged. He continued reading his book: _Coming to Terms with Your Blindness_.

"Itachi-sama!" Kisame whined. "I need it!"

Itachi sighed. "Go bother the others. I'm busy."

Kisame pouted, but did as he was told. He didn't have any better luck with Kakuzu and Hidan, either; their cloaks were missing, too.

"Hm," Kisame grunted, scratching his spiked blue hair, "I wonder where they could be."

Suddenly, the door swung wide open. A pissed off Deidara and confused looking Tobi stood threateningly in the doorway.



"_**Where. Is. My. Cloak?"**_

A vein the size of Texas bulged out of his forehead. Tobi cowered behind him. "Deidara-senpai's angry."

"We don't know," Hidan snapped, crossing his arms. "Ours are missing, too."

"Where the hell is Pein?" he demanded, fist clenching. Tobi turned chibi and ran for his life; smart move.

"Let's ask the others," Kisame suggested hopefully, trying to avoid an…_explosive_ situation (cough cough).

They all went in search of the other Akatsuki. Meanwhile, Sasori was attempting at saving Zetsu from a horrible plight: becoming the children's new "experiment".

"I do NOT flourish with MiracleGro!!"

Kentaro held up a little shovel used to garden triumphantly, standing atop Zetsu. "I rule here! Screw Lord of the Flies! Camp Birdwell is _**mine**_!"

The group happened to walk in on this scene. Deidara was twitching, Kisame looked confused, trying not to laugh, and Itachi had come out of nowhere.

He calmly walked over to Kentaro, smacked him senseless, tossed him onto his shoulder, and strolled away. Kisame's eyes went shiny. "Itachi-sama, you're so cool!"

Deidara snapped out of his pissed off state to say, "That's just creepy, Kisame-kun. Please don't act like Tobi."

But Kisame was in "praise Itachi" mode. So Deidara, Hidan and Kakuzu went off by themselves. Next, the group found Pein and Konan fighting over a card game.

"Leader-sama, why are you playing card games when your cloaks are missing?" Hidan asked.

Pein shrugged. "Konan and I were in the middle of Go Fish! when our cloaks went missing, so we figured whoever won would have to find them."

Deidara raised an eyebrow. "Are you all (bleeping) mad!? Our cloaks are missing and you're playing Go Fish!"



Pein stood up, eyes turning red (if they weren't already that color).

"Don't test me, Deidara-kun. I can put you in your place."

"I can take you down WITHOUT my clay."

"Oh yeah, girly boy?"

A dust cloud fight started up. Tobi walked in on this particular scene. He waited till the two battled it out to speak up. "Uh, Tobi found our cloaks."

Deidara had to be held back by the other six Akatsuki. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US SOONER!?"

"Because Deidara-senpai says to never disturb him when he's fighting."

Zetsu let go and pat Tobi on the head. "Good boy. Now tell us where they are."

They all followed Tobi into the woods till the found a small clearing about a few miles away from camp. He pointed to a small group of campers. "Look, Tobi found an all girls' camp."

All the Akatsuki twitched and took out weapons that had been confiscated. "I give full permission for these campers to be terminated, by _**any**_ means _necessary_," Pein said in an evil voice.

Tobi backed away, afraid to get involved. "Pein-sama is scary when he's pissed."

"CHARGE!!"

Eight girls looked up from their game and saw seven men charging towards them. "Girls, assemble!"

FGAC (Fan Girl Alliance Camp) stood in a line and drew random katana out of nowhere and transformed into warrior fan girls.

"IT'S BISHIE-CAPTURING TIME!"

Dun dun dun!

(A/N: Well, I hope this random chapter was worth the wait. Ya happy now? Huh? Don't forget to review w/ ratings for the Spin the Bottle and 7 minutes in Heaven and fave akatsuki!)


	5. Apology

Formal Apology:

I, waterfalltears, admits to being a selfish, lazy bum, and not paying my dues to loyal reviewers who want to be paired with their favorite Akatsuki member. So, to make up for this blunder, you all shall get daily updates, starting next week. And each reviewer shall get their OWN oneshot with their favorite member. I so swear, I so swear, I so swear! **crosses heart and hopes to die, or be poked in the eye with a really hot french fry .**


	6. Apology 2

Hey all my reviewers,

Okay, yes. It's a miracle. I'm finally bored enough/have enough time to install the next chappie. Yay! ***dodges pitchforks and torches*** If you're not in this chapter, that means you:

didn't submit a description of yourself

didn't leave a review

didn't tell me the rating of your spin the bottle and/or 7 minutes in heaven

didn't tell me which character you wanted


	7. Apology 3

A/N: This story is ancient by now. I'm not even sure my reviewers are still following it now o.O. If you are ***bows* **Thank you so much! You get yummy milk and cookies for sticking around. You are truly loyal. And for those of you that submitted a description, and the rating of your spin the bottle/7 minutes in heaven, I thank you also, and you get an automatic M rating. Hehe. ^^ Hope you all enjoy this chapter.


	8. Chapter 4: The Meeting

Chapter 4: The Meeting

A/N: This chapter is being uploaded with slight changes so the next chapter I will upload in a couple of days will make a whole lot more sense. I realized that I made a few mistakes with my counting skills XD

The seven Akatsuki (excluding Tobi, Konan and Zetsu) stared as a large woman (who looked very much like an overweight version of Tsunade) stomped onto the scene like a woman on a mission. "All right, line up girls! Introductions!"

The seven girls lined up like their camp leader instructed, and introduced themselves one by one. Their ages ranged from 13-18: Mariko and Sarah were 13 and 14, Taki, Dara and Natalie were all 15, Hayley and Yumi were 16 and 17. Yumi and Natalie stood out the most because they looked like female versions of Sasori and Deidara. Sasori immediately had hearts for eyes because Yumi also held puppets tucked underneath her arm. Itachi, Pein and Deidara rolled their eyes.

The Tsunade look-a-like barked that they were to not, under ANY circumstances, tie up, kidnap, or in any way scar the men in the funny look cloaks. They glared at the female counselor, planning her death in elaborate ways. She then clapped her hands twice, and all the girls were magically dressed up in formal evening wear. "You will take my girls on dates, any that object will be subject to the will of the girls. Do you _really_ want to go down that road?"

Eight akatsuki members shook their heads. She grinned, a sort of lop-sided smile like the muscles had never been used. They didn't doubt for one minute that the woman would rather have a tooth pulled then smile. "Good, we're understood then." Suddenly they were all inside a large, makeshift tent that was to serve as their dance hall. Awkwardly, the guys were dragged off by whatever girl deemed them as her "favorite". Sasori smiled shyly at Yumi as she took his hand, dressed in a lovely crimson knee-length dress made of silk and short black heeled sandals. Deidara glared at Natalie as she took his hand, wearing a pretty gold dress, looking like Belle from Beauty and the Beast (though somehow everyone would be hard-pressed to figure out which of them was the beast). The explosives artist had no interest in any other girl but Rika. So even while he danced with arguably the prettiest girl there, he couldn't care less.

The girl seemed determined to gain his affections, as she lay her head on his shoulder as they twirled around the dance floor. He was actually quite graceful despite having no formal dance lessons. Surprised and a little uncomfortable from the close contact, he was tempted to let go when her large, crystal blue eyes looked up all doe-like at him, and she smiled flirtatiously. Rika's face flashed in his mind for about 10 seconds before it disappeared. He wasn't shallow; it wasn't like he preferred blondes over brunettes. He wasn't even sure he HAD a preference for certain women. But this cute blonde teen held a certain charm that captured his attention. Knowing she'd caught his interest, Natalie pushed her luck and pressed a little closer to him. His gaze trapped in hers, she pushed the envelope just a bit more by planting a small kiss on his lips. That one kiss set his mouth on fire. His eyes widened, and she grinned contently.

Itachi was gonna puke. Taki was hot, he had to admit, but he didn't want anyone…period. Her dark eyes perused him, as if she were sizing up an opponent. Oh…so it was a battle she wanted and not a dance. She strode out of the room with purpose, and he followed her, fully anticipating a very good fight. He needed one to work out the stress he'd gone through having to counsel those crazy kids. They weren't children, they were vertically challenged psychopaths. After half an hour, half of the Akatsuki were either starting to like their dancing partners, or plotting their deaths.

Sweat poured down Itachi's body. He hadn't expected her to be _this_ good at fighting. She'd managed to land quite a few hits on him, and he bled from a sizable cut on his arm where she'd slashed him with her kunai. Her long black hair was still impeccably done, even after 30 minutes of intense combat. Her ponytail cascaded down her shoulder, and one bead of sweat made its way down her porcelain face. Itachi stared at that one droplet of sweat as it made its way from her face down her neck and into the front of her dress.

Kisame liked Hayley. She was really cute, with short blue hair, brown eyes, and she actually was only two heads shorter than him. Few people reached even close to his monstrous height. She danced very easily, and when he dipped her he felt like he was holding air she was so light.

Pein had long since ditched his 'date', leaving her high-strung, bad tempered ass behind, preferring to wait outside until everyone was done with the dance. Finally, after an hour and a half, all the Akatsuki were back in the camp, reminiscing about the night. As Deidara and Tobi settled into their cabin, that's when Rika showed up, and the trouble began anew.

Endnote: Well, I hope you guys liked it. After waiting several months, even a year for an update from this story. It's the best I could come up with at the moment. I promise next chapter will be better.


	9. Much Ado About Nothing

Chapter 5: Much Ado about Nothing

(A/N: I am the worst authoress in the world for making you all wait a year for this new chapter. If any of you are still following, I swear you will get something real from me. Maybe a teddy bear or a present on your birthday if I can afford it. I truly feel bad T_T Also, I lost the frickin' descriptions you all RE-SENT ME! _**-sobs bitter tears-**_ So now I'm going to have to continue with these characters I created until you all decide to be gracious enough to re-resend me your descriptions of your OC's/yourselves. Anyways, enjoy this extremely overdue new installment with a catchy title :D)

Notethingie: This chappie has Spin the Bottle, PG-13 rated. Ye have been forewarned XD Also, sorry for the font being so different ^_^

Deidara could not believe what he had just done. He stared at his hands covered in red. He had actually engaged in the one form of art that had always disgusted him: finger painting! He glared at the little red-head girl that was giggling next to him, painting a picture on a large piece of white construction paper of what he could only guess was a sunflower and a house. He liked to imagine that it was a bomb shelter. He grinned evilly at that thought.

After the Akatsuki members had danced with the girls from the fangirls camp, the overbearing female counselor had allowed them to return to their own camp…only after promising to return the following night. Deidara's face soured, recalling the events of the night before. He couldn't believe he'd kissed that little blonde twit. He'd regretted it once he actually left the fangirl camp, and hoped that Rika wouldn't see the guilt written all over his face. He couldn't deny it, even to himself, that the girl was very pretty and bold, which he admired in anyone, male or female. But he also couldn't deny that what he felt for Rika was stronger than what he felt for Natalie. He ran his hands through his long pale hair and sighed. _What am I going to do? I only like Rika, but Natalie is so pretty, and I like her style. Gah! This blows…did I really just think that word?_

Of course, his idiot partner Tobi blissfully went on painting his self-dubbed "masterpiece": a picture of a horse riding a donkey, riding a bull, riding a man. And yes, he was somehow able to fit all of that on a page and draw it with just his fingers. It looked more like a massacre of paint than anything else. Just then, Pein came in with an announcement, not caring that there were children in the room, "We're all playing Spin the Bottle tonight, and Deidara—he gave him a mock rueful smile—"I'm going to have to ravage your darling Rika."

It took all of Tobi's strength to hold Deidara back from ripping Pein to shreds with his bare hands. Though the orange-headed leader of Akatsuki was a self-proclaimed badass with the battle scars and endless piercings to prove it, nothing could stop Deidara when he was pushed far enough. His last words before the other Akatsuki members had to get involved and knock him out were, "YOU'RE DEAD MEAT YOU ORANGE-HAIRED CAD!"

Needless to say, they'd needed to keep Deidara "occupied" until the Spin the Bottle game that night. When they finally released him, he looked every bit like a tomato with blonde hair. He was mad as hell, and he wasn't gonna take it anymore! But Tobi threatened to sing "What a wonderful world" over and over if Deidara even looked sideways at Pein. He didn't know when his partner had started caring about Pein's safety, but he didn't care enough to analyze it. He just stormed to the mess hall that had all the tables cleared out. There was just a large fleece blanket on the floor and one candle in the middle and a green beer bottle. He questioned whoever put that very obvious fire hazard directly in the middle of a flammable material, but no one listened to him. He shrugged. What did he care if everyone died in a fire? He'd just blow a hole in the wall and escape. Someone had placed a lot of bottles of alcohol: gin, vodka, wine, etc. on one corner of the blanket. Deidara stared incredulously. People need to get drunk to play this game? He thought the players just in general accepted the rules that you had to kiss whoever the bottle landed on, no alcohol involved. Man was he naïve.

He sighed and resigned himself to a random spot on the sheet. The others slowly started trickling in. Except for Konan, Zetsu, and Pein, the other 5 Akatsuki members were present. He assumed Konan was off sulking about something, and Zetsu was most likely the unfortunate victim of Kentaro's latest experiment. That kid had major issues, and he hoped to god it was entirely possible for the camp counselors to forcibly detain him at camp until he was too old to cause damage to society. His face contorted into a grimace when he saw a small group of teenagers, girls and boys, crowd in after…Jeffrey. He knew somehow he would get kissed by the counselor that still thought he was a woman, even after he'd nearly scarred the poor boy by trying to take off his shirt, proving that he WASN'T a woman. Jeffrey had fled the room so fast Deidara's shirt hadn't even made it halfway up his stomach.

He sighed again, until of course, Rika showed up. His face lit up, and he had hearts for eyes. He didn't even think once about what's-her-face. He only had eyes for Rika. Then they heard it...There was a rumbling, a brief crack of thunder, and a booming knock at the door. Jeffrey jumped up to answer the door and Deidara's whole world came crashing down. Seven girls came galloping in, the shyness temporarily gone. Taki smirked at Itachi and the cold, unfeeling, Sesshomaru-like Akatsuki member actually blushed. Everyone stared in shock, even the campers that didn't know him that well. Kisame waved like the blue-faced idiot that he was at Hayley, and she shyly blushed, sitting diagonally from him, a strategic move so she could somehow pick him when her turn came up for the game. He noticed this almost instantly and blushed. Deidara shuddered. The light pinkish red shade on that light blue face was horrifying to see.

Tobi absently wondered why the young girls from the fangirl camp were here. He glanced at the alcohol and sweatdropped beneath his mask. They were probably going to jail for allowing teenagers to drink. Then he stopped thinking as his leader slid into the room, all cocky smile and gleaming piercings. Tobi was glad that he had a mask on because right now, his face was flaming. He didn't know when, how or why he had fallen for the ruthless head of Akatsuki. He just accepted it. Of course, he could never tell any one, but not because they were both male; he highly doubted anyone would object to it because of that. He had to keep it a secret simply because despite his happy, bouncy and overall child-like nature, everyone assumed that he couldn't feel anything. Just like his leader and Itachi. No one could see any one of them getting into a relationship, or caring about another person. They all knew coming into the organization that they were in it for themselves; they only protected each other because likewise it was what people did in gangs: if you had less members, you had less power. So they had to care, at least about the safety of each other, in order to keep the organization powerful.

As Deidara planned how to keep Pein from kissing Rika, the counselor that had let in the "monsters" a.k.a the teens announced that the game was about to start. Everyone scrambled for a seat, hoping they picked just the right spot so they could kiss the person that they wanted. Tobi got nervous and started to shift in his seat. He didn't want to kiss anyone…except the one person who wouldn't want to kiss him. He saw the looks that Pein kept shooting Rika, and he didn't like it one bit. Neither did Deidara, as his face morphed into a mad dog, and Kisame had to hold him back, all the while making googly eyes at Hayley. Tobi sighed. This was going to be a long game. No one wanted to go first, so to get the ball rolling, Taki jumped in, looking completely disinterested. Itachi almost drooled at her indifference. He liked girls that gave off a cool, distant air that seemed to not care about anyone or anything. When the bottle landed on him, he nearly fainted. Again, everyone stared in complete and utter incredulity at him. Taki waited a full 30 seconds before planting one on him, clearly bored with his shyness. She winked at him.

"It's just like fighting, Itachi-kun, only with your mouth," she purred before returning to her seat.

With that comment, Itachi really did faint. Kisame worriedly went over to him, fanning him with his cloak. Deidara rolled his eyes and the other Akatsuki members couldn't stop laughing. Sarah, the shy and quiet one that had danced with Hidan the night before, decided to go next. She reached over and drank tequila straight from the bottle, choking a little but forcing herself to drink more. Hidan stared at her in disbelief: she was either a wild girl in disguise, or trying to make damn sure she could get through kissing him were the bottle to land on him. His eyes narrowed and he glared at her. She winked up at him when she noticed him staring, and somehow she managed to look completely innocent and every bit the damsel in distress. She had striking green eyes and hair that was a deep blood red. Her lips were parted in a grimace as the aftertaste of the alcohol finally hit her. Hidan snickered a little, until she sent him a foxy grin, grabbed the bottle and spun it. He prayed to Jashin-sama that it wouldn't land on him, promising that he would be a better servant and he would do whatever it took to please him. I'll pray more, I'll give you more blood sacrifices, I'll—Hidan continued to promise Jashin more and more examples of how he would prove his loyalty as the bottle got closer to him. The bottle slowed to a stop…

"_Fuck_…" Sarah crawled over to him like a vixen, and he vaguely wondered how the hell this 14 year old could go from shy and awkward teen to sexy red-head seductress in under a minute. She pulled him forward by the front of his cloak, and he closed his eyes, expecting an electrifying kiss. Instead, what he got the impression of was being kissed by a fish; then he thought about it, and he realized that was an insult to fish. A _fish_ could kiss better than this. He abruptly stopped her, wanting no more of her sloppy, open mouthed, dry kisses. She pouted, upset that he'd stopped her. "Sweetie, let's slow it down a bit."

So he took control of the kiss, showing her with his lips and tongue how a kiss should be executed. No one made a sound for several minutes, feeling awkward seeing a make out session happening in front of them. Even the other Akatsuki members remained quiet. But when Sarah started to whimper, which caused Hidan to growl and pull her into his lap, the make out session had to be stopped by the only camp counselor in the room: Jeffrey. He decided to volunteer himself, and all the teens left the circle; like hell were they kissing a counselor. When the bottle landed on Tobi, both he and Jeffrey screamed, "Hell no!" And ran out of the mess hall. Everyone blinked in confusion except for the teens. No counselor meant no supervision. All the teens scampered off, no doubt doing what teens did best: wreaking havoc. Dara's turn was up, and the bottle landed on her dancing partner Kakuzu. His face revealed no emotion as she reluctantly made her way over to him and pecked him quickly. Nonetheless, when the brief kiss ended, she sat down next to him, and they held hands. None of the Akatsuki members wanted to analyze what the hell that was about. Pein spun the bottle, wolfish grin all ready, but the bottle landed on Mariko, his dancing partner from last night. Before he got the chance to protest, she beat him to the punch.

"_**As. If**_." Then she stormed out of the hall. Unlike Itachi, Pein hated women that were similar to him. Mariko was bad-tempered and bossy; way too much like him, which was exactly the reason they wouldn't work as a couple. Just then, Konan came in, but she wasn't wearing her cloak. She was in a fishnet top with a blue undershirt, and form-fitting black pants. Pein looked at her and wondered where she'd been all this time. Out of all the Akatsuki, Konan was the one he respected and liked the most, though he made sure he hid it well with snide remarks and cold glares. But Konan saw underneath his cold exterior. None had ever seen Pein show any emotion other than anger except for her. He'd made a promise to himself that even if he became a ruthless killer, he would never harm children. It wasn't that he had a soft spot for kids; he hated the little demons. They caused nothing but trouble and heartache, but their innocence and vitality scared him; their ability to express emotions so freely, without censoring themselves. That truly terrified him; he guessed in a way, even though he hated them, he was jealous that they could express what he couldn't. Adults were different. They'd already been robbed of their capacity to express emotions, corrupted by their environment and forced to grow up and survive in a violent and uncompromising society.

He'd protected this well kept secret for years. One day, however, his secret was exposed. It had been a routine assignment: terminate the leaders of a rival organization. Things had been going according to plan; Pein and Konan had managed to corner the last leader. Unfortunately, the last leader, Luca, wasn't going quietly; he'd chosen to use his five year old son as a shield. Pein hadn't been able to kill the leader without hurting the child in the process. He'd stood frozen for a few minutes, shaking. Konan had known then what his issue was, so she took over for him. They both knew that letting the boy live meant they were letting the enemy live. The boy was innocent, but he would have grown up to be full of hatred and seeking vengeance. Pein had nodded halfhearted, and she finished off the son and father. That night, Pein had sobbed in Konan's arms in the privacy of his office. A large part of him died that day, and whatever capacity to feel and be in touch with his emotions he had left in him was washed away with his tears. They never spoke of that night, but their bond had been formed from then on. He trusted Konan with his life, his organization, and his heart, as empty as it was. He questioned if she would ever accept his feelings. He knew women wanted stability, honesty, love and commitment, even women like Konan, and he could offer her none of that. Even so, deep in his heart, he realized that she was the only woman for him. On a side note, he just wanted Rika because she was cute and Deidara wanted her. He entertained himself by pissing others off.

"I'm going again, if anyone objects to that, they can take it up with their boss. Oh wait, that's me." Konan snickered as he spun the bottle again. Right when the bottle seemed like it was going to land on her and his empty heart almost stopped beating, Mariko returned and almost like magic, it stopped on her. His eyes snapped up to hers, narrowing, almost like she'd put some spell on it to spin in her favor. She rolled her eyes at him, flipped him the bird, but sat down anyway. Despite her bravado, he could tell that she was nervous about something. Ignoring the great wisdom and overall "power" of the all mighty bottle, he got up, crossed the short distance on the blanket, and then kissed the daylights out of the stubborn girl with the pouting mouth. (**A/N: lol you thought it was Mariko, didn't you? XD Nope, it was Rika muhahaha.**) Then she promptly slapped him. She could barely contain her outrage. She sat down next to Deidara, clinging to him, babbling about how the disgusting orange-haired man kissed her and he tasted like an ashtray, and the Blondie patted her hand consolingly. Pein didn't miss the forlorn sideways look he gave Natalie though as she spun the bottle. She looked highly upset; probably because her man was being cuddled up by another woman. An older, more voluptuous woman. Pein sniggered. It amused him to see other people's insecurities. This was why he couldn't be in a relationship; he wasn't loyal in any sense of the word, and others' pain and shortcomings made him laugh. He also didn't miss the sad look pass on Mariko's face before it was replaced with a fake smile. He shrugged. If she wanted to kiss him, she should stop being a bitch about it and just do it.

Deidara was chosen, and Rika almost had a bitch fit. He patted her hand; she had hearts for eyes then quieted down. The Blondie gulped, and Pein had to laugh again. He looked like someone on death row being offered a meal while the guard held a taser. He could get what he wanted, but not without a price. Natalie looked sad, but far from defeated. She shyly went over to him, and kneeled in front of him. Pein fully expected her to flounder like Sarah had, and to suck very much at kissing, but what he saw was far from that. She kissed Deidara like a woman far beyond her years. The blonde's eyes widened in shock, and everyone could tell he was fighting hard not to enjoy the kiss, but he was quickly losing the battle. His hands instinctively cupped her cheeks, and Pein watched Rika's cheeks puff up like a blowfish, letting out air slowly. She was deflating, and he couldn't help but want to kiss those pouty lips again, to see those green eyes flare up at him. At that moment, Konan touched his wrist and his skin felt like it had been burned. She jerked her head in Mariko's direction, indicating he should go with her. He shook his head in horror. She just laughed and patted him on the back. He felt like he'd been burned again. Her touch left him weak and his skin on fire. Emotionless and cold as he was, his feelings for Konan were starting to affect him not just emotionally, but physically as well. She whispered in his ear and he was done for. He made up in his mind he would act just like himself and take her just like he usually got women: by force.

It took Konan a full minute to comprehend what had just transpired. One moment, she'd been laughing at Deidara's obvious 'plight', the next thing she knew, she was outside in the cool summer night air, being manhandled by her leader and the man she secretly loved. Her body responded before her brain did unfortunately, as her fists balled up into his cloak, and instead of pushing him away like she knew she should and her brain was screaming at her to do, she pulled him closer, emitting a tiny squeak. This was a dangerous game Pein had started, and whether or not she wanted to, she was going to finish it. The man always had so much power over her; so much so, she was certain he didn't even realize how much. He bit down, not to hurt her, but because he was trying to control the emotion flowing out of him. It was like he was trying to clamp down what he was feeling for her at the moment, trying to hold back the truth of what was between them. Mariko had come outside, seeing the two flee the room, and what she saw made her crumple to the ground and start crying. That sound jerked Konan out of her fantasy. For a few minutes, the three just stared at each other. Then a fourth entered this crazy phenomenon. Tobi had decided to come back at that inopportune moment, and his heart was breaking right along with the young girl's. Pein felt trapped between a rock and a hard place. He could feel all of their emotions swirling around him, choking the life out of him. He couldn't breathe, and he knew he had to escape.

Meanwhile, inside, oblivious of what was going on outside, Kisame and Hayley had opted not to wait for the bottle game, and had a mini make out session in the corner. The shark-like Akatsuki member felt like a pedophile…until Hayley assured him that once he became centuries old, keeping count of the difference in ages was pretty pointless. He shrugged, enjoying her kisses too much to analyze it past that. Sasori and Yumi, as shy as they were, managed to section off a little corner of their blanket for themselves. Sasori made the first move, and soon the two were in the same position as their "blanket-mates". Pein finally could move, his muscles relaxing enough. He high-tailed it out of that scene as fast as he could, leaving two-heartbroken people and a confused one behind. Mariko glared at Konan.

"_Bitch_! Why don't you just find yourself another man?"

Konan stared incredulously at her. "You have the nerve to call _me_ a bitch? You're the one that decided to pretend you didn't want Pein when you really did. That is in no way my fault." She absently pondered why Tobi also looked upset with her. It couldn't be because she had kissed Pein, Tobi wasn't…wait a minute…It all started making sense to her. All those little glances and "gestures" that she'd dismissed as loyalty to the leader were really Tobi showing his affections, whether he had recognized that at the time or not. She couldn't believe it. She stared dumbfounded at him until he walked up to her and gave her the most evil glare she'd been on the receiving end of.

"Don't say a fucking _word_. Pein doesn't know, and I'd like to keep it that way."

She scoffed. "You pretty much ruined that when you let your emotions go like that. He could feel your emotions pretty strongly, hence why he ran out of here like a bat out of hell. And you, too. You need to tone your bad-tempered teenage hormonal ass down. You're not going to get Pein that way."

Mariko thrust her hands on her hips, typical teenage pout on her face. "Don't act all self righteous on me now. You want my man, and I intend to fight for him."

Konan snickered at her. "You really think I'm going to fight you for him? Damn you've got a lot to learn about men. He doesn't want either of us. Oh he may want to kiss and touch a little, hell you might even get laid, and I've heard he's pretty good. But when it comes to commitment and love, Pein lacks strongly in that category. So you might as well give up now."

Then she walked away, leaving her laughter to ring in Mariko's ears. Quite unbelievably, Deidara had been kissing Natalie passionately the entire time. He still liked Rika, but he was literally getting addicted to the cute blonde teen's lips. Rika shoved Natalie out of the way, tears in her eyes.

"I thought you liked me! Why were you kissing this whore for almost half an hour!"

Natalie chuckled. "Why did it take you so long to say anything? That's kinda sick, to just watch like that. Don't you have any backbone?"

Rika's lower lip jutted out almost comically. She ran out of the hall, waterfall tears streaming from her eyes. Natalie looked back at Deidara, hoping he wasn't mad at her. A smile tugged at his lips, and she knew that he wasn't mad at her. He pulled her close. He cleared his throat. "Would you…like to be my girlfriend?" She practically glomped him, clinging to his neck. "_HELL YES I WOULD_!"

Pein returned two hours later, and Konan marched up to him. "You have to decide: me or Tobi." He gaped at her like she'd asked him to become a church pastor or something.

"We're not even dating, and you're giving me ultimatums?" Tobi came up to them, and crossed his arms.

"No, she's right. You have to decide, me or her."

Pein's brain started to hurt, and he seriously considered just murdering the whole bloody camp. Everyone was determined to drive him insane with all their emotions. Suddenly, Zetsu came running by, being chased by a horde of children, and Pein decided that maybe, just maybe, children weren't as innocent as he thought they were. Some _deserved_ to be killed. He pulled out his weapons, and just as he was about to viciously end the cycle of terror that the kids had brought up Camp Birdwell, Konan and Tobi tied him to a tree.

"_**THIS IS NOT HOW YOU TREAT YOUR LEADER!"**_

(A/N: Again, I have no excuse at all for this taking so long, and now it has a plot and I have to go with it. Sorry everyone, but there might be yaoi, hate to break it to you. This fic has matured and taken a completely different direction, and I think I just might follow it. Hope everyone enjoyed reading, and please look forward to more updates! I will type them up as soon as I can as they develop! Thanks for reading.)


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